Parenting After Divorce – A Guide to Co-Parenting Successfully
- resolutionjourneym
- Jan 27
- 10 min read
It goes without saying that separation and divorce are causes of perhaps some of the greatest emotional challenges in life.[i]
Along with the emotional turmoil of a family breakup, the logistics of separation and divorce such as property and financial distribution, and the making of parenting arrangements for children, all add additional stress.
This transition can be particularly difficult for children as they adapt to a new life in which they might live between their parents in two different houses, change schools, lose friends and make new ones.
Parents play a crucial role in helping their children adjust after divorce. This guide focuses on how effective parenting can help to reduce the impact of separation and divorce on children and to facilitate their successful transition to their changed lives.
Sections:
Understanding the Impact of Divorce on Children
Divorce has immediate and long-term effects on children. In the short term, children may experience anxiety and depression, grief, anger, self-blame, and the feeling of being emotionally overwhelmed.
Some children might begin to act out and engage in impulsive and possibly destructive behaviour. Other children might withdraw and become socially isolated. Many children live in hope that their parents will reconcile. Some will blame themselves for their family breakdown.
Longer term, the children of divorced parents are more likely to have children earlier and to marry earlier. Differences between girls and boys have also been identified. Boys tend to have lower levels of educational attainment, worse job prospects, and sadly are more likely to die early.
Girls too are likely to have lower levels of educational attainment but are less likely to struggle with employment than boys. However, this difference in employment outcomes may be because girls of divorced parents are more likely to have children as teenagers, which necessitates earlier entry into employment.[ii]
These types of short and long-term outcomes highlight the importance of creating a stable environment to mitigate the stresses for children that the divorce of their parents may cause.
But how can parents create this stable environment?
The easy answer is that reducing parental conflict is an effective way to foster the conditions that decrease stress on children. The more difficult problem is how to manage your relationship with an ex-partner/spouse in a way that cuts through the emotional turmoil to reduce the conflict between you.
We’ll get to the hard part shortly. First, let’s take a brief look at the evidence showing how interparental conflict and child development outcomes are related.
In a recent systematic review (which is a kind of study that combines and analyses the results of other similar research findings) it was found that the effect of post-divorce interparental conflict was associated with a reduction in the quality of parenting, which was associated with poorer child adjustment after divorce.[iii]
Essentially, the research found that emotional energy spent in conflict with their ex-spouses/partners drains parents’ ability to respond effectively to their children’s needs and wants. This inability to respond effectively was associated with worse outcomes for their children.
The effect on children seems to have been to increase externalising behaviours (e.g. aggression, damage or destruction of property, oppositional behaviours) or internalising behaviours (e.g. becoming withdrawn, depressed, socially disengaged). Conversely, lower levels of interparental conflict were associated fewer child related problems.
In other research it was shown that the effect of so called negative parental engagement with children was stronger than so called positive parental engagement on child development outcomes.
So, even if parents attempt to engage in positive parenting with their children, the presence of interparental conflict seems to reduce (but not eliminate) its effectiveness. In comparison, interparental conflict seems to amplify the effect of poorer parenting.[iv]
The take home message appears to be that eliminating or significantly reducing interparental conflict is associated with improvements in child development outcomes.
Ok. That’s the easy part. Now for the hard part: how to reduce or eliminate interparental conflict.
Communication is Key
Let’s first begin by acknowledging that managing a relationship with your ex-spouse/partner can be difficult, and at times may seem impossible.
The emotional pain of separation/divorce can be overwhelming, and the scars it leaves can run deep. Seeking help from a counsellor or psychologist any time these feelings intrude on your life is not just a good idea, it could well be essential.
When the time comes to discuss parenting arrangements, having a good communication strategy in place helps to reduce conflict and to manage disagreements when they arise.
It’s important to remember that communication occurs across many different formats including face-to-face, phone, text, email, video conferencing and so on. Each format has pros and cons but the use of effective communication applies to all formats. A broad set of tips for good communication include:
Keep your communications respectful with the other parent.
Be clear about why you are communicating with the other parent and what you want or need from your interaction with them.
Ensure your communication occurs at the right time and place, and with the right person.
Use neutral tones when speaking and avoid blaming, judging, or accusing the other person by using “I” statements to convey your feelings and opinions.
State your position directly and with clarity. Don’t assume or expect the other parent to figure out what you want.
Ask the other parent if they’ve understood what you’ve communicated.
Ignore any attempt by the other parent to derail or divert the communication away from the matter you want to discuss but don’t dismiss them. Acknowledge and label their feelings before refocusing your communication on the issue you want to resolve.
Without limiting the previous point, be flexible and open to negotiation. It is possible that the other parent may have needs and wants of their own and will use this moment to bring them up.
Use non-inflammatory language whether you’re communicating in person or via correspondence (e.g. text, email, letter).
Consider if and how technology might help to reduce conflicts and facilitate effective co-parenting (e.g., shared calendars, co-parenting apps).
Try not to communicate with the other parent when you are feeling angry, upset, or frustrated.
Above all, make the interests of your children the paramount consideration in any communications you have with your ex-partner/spouse.
Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting: Finding the Right Approach
The practice of actual hands-on parenting following separation or divorce exists on a continuum. At one end is so-called ‘highly conflicted’ parenting in which parents constantly quarrel, are unable to manage disputes, and tend to be focused on their own needs and wants rather than those of their children.
At the other end is so-called ‘cooperative parenting’ in which parents can communicate and resolve problems amicably and focus on their children’s best interests.
In between is ‘parallel parenting’ in which parents make independent decisions about the day-to-day care of children, communicate and make long term parenting decisions via email, text, or a coparenting app, but tend not to attend the same events together or meet in person.
Clearly, as was outlined earlier in this post, highly conflicted parenting is best avoided. And although cooperative parenting is considered the most effective parenting style for child developmental outcomes, sometimes it isn’t possible.
For example, an inability to resolve conflict, the existence of safety concerns, or irreconcilable scheduling differences may mean that a parallel parenting agreement needs to be considered.
It's also important to remember that the approach to parenting that best suits each family will differ on a case-by-case basis.
Parents who remain amicable after separation/divorce may be well suited to a cooperative parenting arrangement. Conversely, unresolvable differences may indicate that a parallel parenting arrangement should be considered.
Parents who work rotating shifts (e.g. police, nurses), even if they are generally agreeable, might need to consider elements of parallel parenting simply due to their availability to each other and their children.
Importantly, in any decision relating to parenting after separation or divorce, professional assistance recommended.
Creating a Consistent Parenting Plan
Having a parenting agreement in writing creates an invaluable point of reference. However, this reference point is only as useful as its contents are clear and well written. In addition, conflict is likely to continue if a parenting agreement is part of a settlement that one or both parents are unhappy with.
Parenting plans need to balance detail about parenting arrangements with flexibility in those arrangements.
As a wise person once said, life has a way of spoiling even the best laid plans!
For example, agreements about time spent with each parent might be spoilt by parental illness or sudden changes to work commitments.
Balancing how and with whom the children will spend time during these exigencies of life is something that needs to be considered.
Scheduling vacations and meaningful personal days such as birthdays, Mother’s/Father’s Day, and religious holidays needs careful consideration when planning parenting agreements.
Short- and long-term decisions about such matters as schooling, healthcare, religious/cultural practice and engagement, also require deliberation.
As children grow or circumstances change, the parenting agreement is likely to need revisiting to accommodate new needs and wants. Although it is possible to anticipate and plan for many changes (e.g. which high school the child/ren will attend), unanticipated changes can be disruptive and lead to conflict (e.g. if a parent needs to move interstate for work).
Parenting plans with provision for managing disruption help by creating a decision-making structure that removes much of the stress involved.
Putting the Children First
Perhaps the most important motivating factor when parenting after separation/divorce is the interests of children.
As difficult as it might be to put aside grievances with your ex-partner/spouse, putting the child/ren’s needs ahead of parents’ grievances is critical from both a legal and child development perspective.
Common pitfalls include triangulation (e.g. having children deliver messages between parents), parentification (when the child/ren take on roles and responsibilities of parents), belittling or complaining about the other parent to a child or children, disparaging the other parent within earshot of the children, or arguing with the other parent in front of the child/ren.
Actively listening to and validating children’s feelings, concerns, views, needs, and wants helps children know that they are loved, and helps them to develop a sense of autonomy and agency.
Creating an environment favourable to such outcomes contributes to the building of a strong foundation for confident, adaptive, socially and emotionally stable children after family breakdown.
Navigating New Relationships
Commencing a new relationship can be an exciting time for separated/divorced parents. However, although new relationships are associated with better well-being in adults after divorce, parenting quality can deteriorate leading to increased stress for children.[v]
While new relationships represent new beginnings for parents, for children mum or dad’s new relationship signals the end of their parent’s relationship, which can be a potentially distressing realisation.
It’s possible that children are still grieving the loss of their family when parents find new romantic partners. Children’s grief might find expression in anger, sadness, or feelings of betrayal, jealousy, and resentfulness. Children may also feel additional upheaval and stress should the new relationship come to an end.
Things to consider when introducing your child/ren to a new partner include the time since separation/divorce, length of the relationship with a new partner, children’s feelings about a parent’s new relationship, and children’s age/temperament.[vi]
It’s also crucial for parents to make time for their children and to introduce them to a new romantic relationship at a suitable pace.
Finally, although commencing a new relationship is the prerogative of both parents, consulting with each other about introducing children to new partners keeps everyone informed, keeps communication open and transparent, and facilitates consideration of changes to parenting arrangements if required.
Seeking Support When Needed
Charting a course through a family breakup is made even more difficult if families don’t know where they’re going or what to do if they manage to get there.
Thankfully, independent guidance is available to provide families with a road map to help them find their way to reaching a settlement in relation to all aspects of separation/divorce.
In the lead up to or in the period following family breakup, therapy or counselling with a psychologist or counsellor can assist parents and children to heal and grow by:
Reducing stress
Resolving conflicts
Regulating emotions
Improving communication
Developing problem solving skills
Addressing mental health
Prioritising the best interests of children
Information about therapy or counselling is available via general practitioners or through organisations including (but not limited to) the Australian Psychological Society, the Australian Association of Psychologists, Family Relationships Online, Health Direct, or Relationships Australia.
Support groups and free online resources are also available. These resources may be useful adjuncts to therapy or counselling and include (but are not limited to) Relationships Australia, the Australian Institute of Family Studies, Amica, Men’s Line Australia, Lifeline Australia, Raising kids, or 13Yarn.
Not all family matters go to court. In any case, with limited exceptions, the court will not hear a family matter unless genuine attempts to resolve any disputes have been undertaken. Separating/divorcing couples may reach a settlement by negotiation through lawyers, family dispute resolution practitioners (FDRP), or a combination of both.
However, a dispute need not be serious before legal and/or FDRP services are engaged. Both groups of professionals working together or independently can support and help separating/divorcing couples reach settlement with fewer problems than attempting to do so without assistance. The costs involved are also typically and substantially reduced compared to taking a matter to court.
Of course, the mix of professional services required will differ on a case-by-case basis.
Conclusion
Separation/divorce can be difficult. Throughout the process, it’s important to remember that children are still dependent on their parents for care, support, love, and attention. As a result, it is children’s interests that must be the paramount consideration.
Parents who cooperate, engage in effective communication, and remain consistent, are best placed to reduce interparental conflict, establish good coparenting practices, and ensure good developmental outcomes for their children.
Should it be required, help is available through various services including through the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia, government services, not-for-profit organisations, and private providers.
Here at Resolution Journeys, we regularly help separating couples to develop co-parenting plans, parenting agreements, property, and financial settlements that are child focused. If you’re in the process of separating or have already separated, contact us to book a free consultation.
References
[i] Sbarra, D., A. (2016) ‘Divorce and Health: Current Trends and Future Directions,’ Psychosomatic Medicine, 77(3), 227-236 10.1097/PSY.0000000000000168
[ii] Frimmel, W., Halla M., & Winter-Ebmer, R (2024) ‘How does parental divorce affect children’s long-term outcomes?’ Journal of Public Economics, 239, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpubeco.2024.105201.
[iii] Van Dijk, R., et. al., (2021) ‘A meta-analysis on interparental conflict, parenting, and child adjustment in divorced families: Examining mediation using meta-analytic structural equation models,’ Clinical Psychology Review 88, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2020.101861.
[iv] Ibid.
[v] Australian Institute of Family Studies (1991) ‘New partners as co-parents,’ Family Matters, April, https://aifs.gov.au/research/family-matters/no-28/new-partners-co-parents#:~:text=Although%20repartnering%20is%20associated%20with,of%20behaviour%20problems%20in%20children.
[vi] Relationships Australia (NSW) (2023) ‘When should you introduce your child to a new partner?’ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/introduce-child-to-new-partner/.
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